Sunday, February 25, 2007
I spent the weekend being a single parent. It makes me truly grateful and humbled that I do not have to do this full time. Even though watching the kids on my own while my husband is traveling professionally is not as difficult as it was when the kids were little, it still takes a bit out of me. I need more than my fair share of alone time and this weekend I didn’t get much.
This has nothing to do with the puzzled theme but it does have to do with why I am trying to write on this theme at a quarter to 9 PM. Today, I juggled piano lessons for two, play dates, grocery shopping, a school play and attending the Jewish equivalent of a wake, called Shiva. So I haven’t had time to be puzzled.
During a free moment whilst driving, I pondered what I was puzzled about at present. The weather was dreadful; a combination of snow and freezing rain that left slushy puddles everywhere. And I was feeling melancholic. Probably it was the melancholy of the end of a Chicago winter. Even though this winter (with the exception of the first weeks of February) was mild enough to confirm my fears of global warming, the winters here still do drag on too long. I miss the sun. I miss green plants and flowers. I miss walking outside without a coat on.
So I guess feeling melancholic is not too puzzling but I still get that feeling of surprise, when I really have nothing to feel sad about. Sometimes a tune comes into my head to fit the mood and today’s tune was from Evita. I think the scene was after Peron evicted his latest mistress. She sings movingly: “Being used to trouble, I anticipate it. But all the same I hate it, wouldn’t you? So what happens now? Where am I going to?” The chorus replies to her, “Don’t ask any more.”
At the moment, I have no need to ask these existential questions. I know where I am and where I am going, for the time being. When new goals need to be chosen, for example after my kids leave home, I think I will be able to choose them with joy and not trepidation. So for now, the answer truly is: “Don’t ask any more.” Some puzzles don’t need any more of an answer than that I’m a bit tired and should rest up.