I know I'm not the only one. I know you are out there too. I've seen your blogs. This theme comes to mind because I am thinking of the New Year and, inevitably, resolutions. I have no intention of making New Year's resolutions. This is almost like a jinx--if you make them no good will come of it. But there are things I want to accomplish next year. I wrote some of them down for my first Thursday Thirteen. Some were lifetime goals or dreams but one I want to do this year. I want to submit a piece of my writing for publication.
Hence the rejection sensitive theme. I am petrified of submitting something. I am afraid of the rejection letter. I am afraid of the laughter I will not hear but can imagine of the person reading my submission. I am afraid that I will never write again after one or two letters or simply being ignored. I am afraid I am a narcissistic idiot for thinking anyone would want to read what I wrote.
I have had many successes in life, but I tend to remember the rejections, large and small, so much better. I remember the patients who seemed to feel they could find a better doctor elsewhere, the friends who stopped calling, the award I didn't win in high school.
One reason I started this blog was to deal with the anxiety of having my writing in the public domain. I am reaching the sixth month point for this blog and people have been very kind and supportive. Of course, this is easy to write off, just as it is easy to write off compliments from family members--you just say this because you have to/feel sorry for me/want a compliment back. I do get hung up on whether anyone reads, why I got no comments on post X, Y, or Z, or as I posted a few weeks ago, whether anyone is laughing at my attempts at poetry. My confidence in my photographs has grown, which is nice. Thanks, guys.
But this time I have made up my mind. I have one piece of short, non-fiction writing I think I can submit somewhere. I have to work out one or two logistical details first and re-read and revise but I have promised myself I will face my demons. At least if no one accepts my story, I can post it here.